F.A. Tallahassee, or Furry Armpits Tallahassee, also known as the Florida Ape-Man is renowned for the extreme verdancy of his underarm hair. Among residents of Yeehaw Junction, (formerly Jackass Junction), the hirsuteness of his pit tufts is the stuff of legend. Or at the very least the odd passing remark. This hair is as orange as an orangutan's and coarser than the wire wool you'd find sprouting from a wild boar's ass.
At a recent church fundraiser for Reverend Doogoody's new outhouse, he allowed himself to be strung up by twin ropes formed of braided armpit hair. He stalwartly bore the agony of this endeavor for a full ten seconds before commencing to bawl like a startled babe and begging to be cut down. Appropriately enough, the first words out of his mouth were, 'Holy s@%$t!'
He was told to man up and shut up and was gagged with the loose ends of his flowing pit locks, so as not to ruin proceedings for the rest of the community or despoil the ears of the young ones with his unchristian cussing and carrying on.
When not bawling his eyes out and generally acting like a sissy, he enjoys bad movies, thrilling fiction, fast food and loose women. In fact all of those adjectives can be applied to the kind of women he likes, but who are thin on the ground in Yeehaw Junction. Excepting Cindy Hot stuff Henderson, who looks like she was hit in the face by a shovel and then trampled by a horse and run over by the plowshare it was dragging.
Oh and sometimes old F.A. Tallahassee? Well, he writes a little bit too.
If you can call it that.
Probably with his toes.