I used to have this recurring fear that niggled away at my psyche making me anxious by day and sleepless by night. I’d think about a time that my husband might not be around. I’d be in the ‘ancient’ portion of my life, sleeping in a cardboard box in a shop doorway with my two little dogs because I’d have no way of supporting myself!
An irrational fear? I think not. Only yesterday I heard that seventy families in Dublin had been evicted from their homes last month and put out on the street. Bearing in mind we haven’t been able to make a full mortgage payment for about three years, this could easily be our fate.
With my fiftieth birthday looming ever closer I’ve found myself worrying about my future and what it holds for me. Many a time I’ve asked myself, “What the hell am I supposed to be doing with my life?”
“Well if you don’t know by now you’ll never know!” I hear you say.
I feel I’ve reached a crossroads and I have to choose the right way – or be doomed forever!
When we had our own tattoo and piercing studio I was a well-respected body piercer with a healthy customer base. I enjoyed my work: adorning people’s body parts with pretty jewellery. I’ve tried to hold on to my body piercing career since we lost our business but living in the middle of the country my workload has dwindled to almost nothing, taking my confidence with it. People would rather travel into the city to one of the many new, but not always good, piercing places that keep popping up all over the place.
But it wasn’t only financial worries eating away at my brain.
Even as I sit here typing I can feel it – the hot, smelly breath of ‘Empty Nest Syndrome’ on the back of my neck!
My first and third-born sons have just returned from a climbing trip to France. It was a desperately long three weeks without them. Third-born is starting his final year at school: the ‘Leaving Cert’ year. He’ll be nineteen in a few months and soon enough, off living his own life. I haven’t seen my second-born son for almost two years, and third-born is back on his travels in a couple of weeks. He’s off to Australia for two years!
So, where does this leave me? Maybe I’ll just fester away in the house every day, my red-rimmed eyes glued to window awaiting the return of my precious children, drool dribbling from the corners of my mouth…
No, I’ll be much too busy for all that carry on.
I’ve been applying for jobs for some time now, and even got as far as an interview a few weeks ago.
“If I haven’t found a job by August, I’ll look for a course to do!” I informed my family.
And that is exactly what I’m in the process of doing.
I have enquired about a Business Administration course starting in September. The course is five days a week for a year. On completion I hope to find a part-time job (I need to wean myself in gently) and see what evolves from there.
I’m looking forward to the challenge even though I’m a little scared. I’m not the brightest bulb in the box when it comes to computer-type things and it’s been about twenty years since I got some qualifications in this field. But, when I find myself swearing at a spreadsheet or dithering over a database I’ll think of that slobbering imbecile at the window, and of that cardboard box in the shop doorway, and I’ll remember how important it is that I succeed.
And, do you know the best thing about little chickens? No matter how far they fly away, they always find their way back home to the nest.
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